A rose by any other…

Ten years ago today, I pushed for a step that I hoped would heal growing rifts.  I asked the state of Texas to terminate the parental rights of the twins’ biological father.  My husband and I then asked that the twins’ surnames be changed to ours.  My goal was to follow this with an adoption.  My goal was to prove to my husband that we loved him as though he were, in fact, their father.  He didn’t seem to grasp that we loved him and he should love the boys, if not for themselves, because he loved me.

It didn’t ‘take’.  Adoption never followed. The hatred and disdain he had for them steadily grew until he came to feel the same for me–at least I have to assume he did.  Their relationship was unable to be salvaged.

When I divorced him, I took back my maiden name. And I gave the twins the option of reverting back themselves.  Yesterday, Twin One did.  He no longer sports my ex-husband’s name.  And it got me thinking…

It’s one less person tied to him.  One less person who claims relationship with him.  I know what his response would be if told: “I don’t give a F*CK!”  And rather than anger at him or glee over getting some of our own back, I felt sorrow.  He will tell anyone who asks and he will tell himself he truly does not care but the reality is he cares deeply.

How broken he is.  I don’t know, though I have my suspicions, what happened in his life that led him to the place he is at.  Where he is convinced everyone is out to get him and no one truly cares for him.  Where he lashes out in anger at the most trifling offense. Where he sees others as commodities to be used and to be discarded when they either have no further use or are not willing to be used.

He now no longer has the tie of a shared name with this son. It was the only tie he hadn’t severed himself. Perhaps if he knew he would view it as freeing. Perhaps he wouldn’t care.

But I care.  I cannot help myself.  I pray he will one day find peace.  I want forgive the pain he caused and ask forgiveness for the things I did that enabled it.  I pray my boys will find the grace to forgive what was done to them.

Jesus, though it is impossible for me to wholly forgive him, I would not deny him your grace.  I pray he would become wildly aware of your grace and that he would find healing.

One Response to “A rose by any other…”

  1. ProudinNC Says:

    giving it up to God is the only way to heal. i too feel we cannot trult forgive, as we can never forget.

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